From all of it.
Every single little thing except hugging my kids, attempting to make them eat food healthier than Doritos, and doing what I want with my free time.
Is that even possible as a mom? I think I might try.
You see, I had to leave that job I was in. It was painful, emotional, and yes, I feel like a failure. But if burn out really is a thing and I if I can get it, I have it. It isn’t that I am frayed and singed on both ends. It is that I don’t have any more fire. I am burnt. Completely out.
I struggled for years to accomplish, to make a name for myself, to be something outside of “mom,” and I think I am done now. It has been 5 years of setting my alarm at 5:30am or working late at night, cramming computer time in between naps, making a to do list 5 pages long and constantly adding to it….and 90% of the items I add because I want to achieve, grow and, I admit, win.
And for what? Win at what?
This blog? Ugh, I hope not.
But what started off “for fun” has now become a source of stress these days. Now I want the badges. I want a check in the box for being published at all the major sites in my niche. (Seriously. I have a checklist.) And I get dejected and sad when a piece is rejected. Over and over again. Rejection makes me doubt myself in so many ways. Primarily I leap to, “Should I be doing this at all?” Quickly followed by, “Try again. But do it better because if x person did it so can you…Believe!”
But for what? Why do I need this validation? What is wrong with me that I can’t just be peaceful and intentional?
Then I went and started my own business, which is a natural extension of what I was already doing. It was organic growth. Yet now I am obsessed about growing it, becoming established, getting clients, getting blog posts done, making money. And for what? I need to let things happen as they will. This went from making sense to yet another way to convince myself I am not good enough it seems.
But listen up friends: it feels like we are all doing this. If I had a dime for every time I had to give a tight lipped smile to another parent complaining about their overwhelming to do list I would…well, you know how it ends. “Yes!” I want to scream and hug them in the same moment. Our overwhelming lists of self-created mess…
We dream big (which is awesome) but at some point our dreams turn in to crushing pressure, fear of failure, and constant, frantic, frenzied movement.
I spend my days timing down to the minute how I can maximize time to get everything done.
And what for? What do I get by reaching that magical 1,000 Twitter followers (honestly, I want to know – is there a Tshirt or bumper sticker or something)? Why is being the best, doing the most, proving greatness, needing recognition, Going Big or Going Home so necessary? I can’t be the only overachieving, competitive, motivated person out there. Please tell me how you figured it out.
Yesterday, a rainy Monday where my 4 yo was proudly Star of the Week at school and we were recovering from a busy spring break, I realized I just don’t want any more right now. I don’t want to feel the need to achieve. I don’t want to feel as though during that 45 minute blissful period of naps/quiet time I have to rush to my computer to bang out an article, a submission, a blog post, a report, a whitepaper, or somehow make headway on my mission to be….great….recognized. In the words of my toddler, “NO! No, ME! No.”
I want to get off the treadmill of self-induced overwhelming goals. Help!
I just want to be small and ordinary. More importantly: I want to teach myself that I am good, no GREAT, without having to win awards or badges or publications.
Oh but if I don’t want to be great, is that ok? Maybe I don’t need to be the best at everything. Hell, maybe even anything or something.
Can I just post here to share love and life and not worry about the times of day I push to social media and if I am using StumbleUpon correctly? This blog is 1 year old. It is my emotion and my raw heart. It is here to share, to help others realize that they are not alone with their thoughts, and to connect to beautiful, strong, female writers that have a kindred spirit.
My business and my freelance writing career….it just might not be the time to shine…
I am flameless.
I just want to be for a little while.
I just want to be here right now: fragile, ordinary, with much less self-created stress.
Is this possible?